IS THIS HAPPENING TO SEE PEOPLE'S TRUE COLORS???

I hate to be a “negative nelly” and am generally a pretty positive and upbeat person, but I will tell you that a lot that goes with this mutated CDH1 stuff is really getting me down.  Things/people I wouldn’t think I would feel that way about and that really stinks.  If you are reading this hoping for an upbeat and bubbly post, you better move onto the next one.  HA!

I seriously have thought for some time about even posting this, but then realized when speaking with my counselor that she told me to journal all of my feelings, everything that happens good & bad, and just put it all out there.  It will help as a form of release (and to be honest I’m at my breaking point right now….I feel like I may break, so I’m hoping by allowing this “release” it will help me to feel better?).  Also, trying to make things seem hunky-dory isn’t being very honest with myself or you guys, for that matter, since I have agreed since day one of creating this blog, to be 100% open and honest about everything.

Here we go….when I first found out about this mutated gene I figured I would reach out to the people that mean the most & that would care no matter what.  There was about two handfuls of people I thought I would and should let know right away since they are people I care about without a doubt and also this could potentially affect their lives.  I figured I would send a mass Facebook private message to these people and that way if there were any questions or anything, it could be openly discussed between everyone and I wouldn’t have to go 10 different people 10 different times to explain the same thing over and over again.  Well, I sent this BIG long message about the CDH1 mutation and all that goes with it.  I got ONE response…ONE!  Ok, I get it…that’s a LOT to take in and really did I expect ALL of them to write back?  Goodness no…in fact, I figured at least 2 wouldn’t say a THING back and that’s ok!  I’ll let it sink in and go from there.  I sent another message a few days later to these same about 10 or so people letting them know about the Grey’s Anatomy episode if they wanted to watch it.  Again…nothing.  I did verbally talk with one of them in person and other than that….that’s it.  Of these two handfuls….TWO have said something to me in regards to it.  I’m not looking for sympathy…in fact, I don’t want that AT ALL.  HOWEVER, this is a big deal….this is what killed my mom & grandpa….so even a simple, “Hey, I’m thinking of you,” “Hey, if you need something, please let me know,” “Hey, I’m here if you need to talk.” Nope…NOTHING!  Not a THING was sent back.  I don’t know if it’s just me, but that was VERY hurtful.  I do NOT expect everyone to understand or even agree with what I’m doing, but I guess the people I expected the most support from, just to be there, are the people that aren’t.

On another occasion, someone I am particularly close with (or so I thought) advised me that I was not allowed to bring any of this stomach stuff up at a family event.  If I did or they heard it being talked about by anyone, myself and the people/person discussing it would be kicked out of the event.  WHO SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE?!  It’s not like I’m out blabbing it to everyone…I think I know when the right time to talk about it is and it’s not like I’m going to be like, “Excuse me every single person at this event, I need to make a huge announcement.”  GET REAL!  To even think that this conversation even existed royally pisses me off.

I’m not sure why some things occur, but maybe there is a reason some things come about.  In this case, to see people’s true colors?  It is unfathomable to me the things I have experienced with this whole CDH1 mutation.  Believe me, if I could know I would be ok keeping my stomach and that I’d never get the cancer that took my mother and grandfather’s lives by doing this or that, I surely would be doing this and that.  HOWEVER, there’s nothing I can physically do MYSELF to prevent myself other than having my stomach removed.  IT’S GENETIC!!!!!  Yes, I can keep myself healthy…eat a balanced diet, workout, take every supplement known to man, but even that doesn’t guarantee anything.  THIS SURGERY guarantees NO stomach cancer and guess what….I CAN live without a stomach.  Might I get something else?  Sure…and if I know of a way preventing me from that, I’ll surely try to protect myself, but for myself this IS the right thing to do.

On the flip side, I have had an overwhelming amount of support from SO many people.  Even people who have come out of the woodwork…people I haven’t talked to in YEARS.  And for that, I am SO SO grateful!  I may have already driven myself crazy if I didn’t have those who have been there…listened when I’ve needed, just chatted about the whole ordeal, asked questions….just straight up BEEN THERE!  You are the people I NEED in my life and people I appreciate.  I have learned through all of this (and I’m not even done, yet, and am just getting started), that there are people we expect to be there for us through anything in our lives and they just straight up aren’t….only when they choose to be.  Then, there are those we have pushed aside and strayed away from and those people are true and caring people who will lend you a shoulder to cry on, be there to talk to when you need someone to talk to, and just straight up be there because THEY DO CARE….ALL the time…no matter WHAT situation you are in.  THANK YOU to those people and to the people that fall in the first part of this, SCREW YOU (family included in this….sad, I know!)!  I don’t need you in my life if that’s how you are going to treat me and I straight up don’t have time for it.  Life is far too short to deal with people like that.

Sorry for the rant, but I REALLLLLY needed to get that off my chest.  I have an appointment with my counselor next Thursday and am hoping she really helps.  So far 2016 has been a crappy year and I’m ready for it to be over.  However, we have a LOT more of it to go haha….so hoping talking with her can give me some relief.  Being at my breaking point has been overwhelming and well, I hate it! ;)