I REALLY wanted to post yesterday, but never got a chance to as it was an insanely busy day!
Yesterday was 11 years since my mom passed away from hereditary diffuse gastric cancer. There is not a day I don't think about her even if it's just once. There are still times when I want to call her up to tell her something exciting/sad/frustrating/funny, but I know I can't. I know she is watching over me, but that's not good enough. I miss her and I'd do just about anything to have her back! I think it's ok to be mad from time to time and right now I feel like it's just not fair!
I don't remember feeling a lot of anger after my mom passed...more sadness and questions than anything besides trying to figure out how at 19 years old I was going to conquer this world on my own. The one time I do remember feeling frustrated/mad was when I had to go to the store to return the Christmas items I had gotten for my mom (she asked for clothing as she had lost SO much weight with the cancer that not much fit), but she never got a chance to wear them...not even a chance to open and see them. The lady, bless her soul as it wasn't her fault, asked if there was anything wrong with the items. I SO badly wanted to say, "YA, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM....MY MOM CAN'T WEAR THEM BECAUSE SHE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE!" I politely told her nothing was wrong, but just wanted to scream out in anger.
Life isn't fair...that's life. AND...when people say (myself included), "everything happens for a reason," I can't help but to think that maybe there's no reason at all....it's just the cycle of life. You live and you die. I miss my mom more than anything in the world and I don't know that it will ever get easier. I don't know that I will ever stop thinking why her? Truth is though, this is my new life. Even after 11 years, I have to accept that it is what it is (Sean's favorite quote).
What I do know is that I am blessed with 19 years of WONDERFUL memories with my mom. She was an amazing woman and if I could be half the woman/mom she was, I'd be one heck of a woman!
**RIP Mom. Love you FOREVER**